SistahSpeak…DWB

I know for many DWB stands for Driving While Black. Today for the purposes of this blog DWB stands for Dating While Black. For many DWB is a pretty serious matter. It can be a mess out there. For real. Hit it and quit it. Hit and run Same difference

Let’s get a couple of things right out front. I was married. For 21 years (life in prison is 20 years for reference sake). There were lots of things that I liked about being married. I have three amazing life affirming can’t believe I’m their mother sons. i raised the kind of men I wanted to marry. Men who respect women, who genuinely like and appreciate the company of smart women. They fully expect a partner and realize how important the ability to laugh at life is to the greater good. They can cook, mend their own pants and wash their own clothes. Just in case.

Many of the challenges I’ve been able to observe stem from this thing some men are raised with. Mothers who love so fiercely they do not teach their sons that love must returned I do not know a single black woman who has not dated this brother. Mama never required anything of them, so they never learned their role in being loved and in loving. These men tend to be both thoughtless and surprised you thought you had any coming. Thought. That.Is.

Watch carefully your man’s attitude toward his mother. Of all the difficulties, the interaction between mother and son is most telling. Is there genuine affection between them? If not, run. Fast. Unless of course you are one of those sisters who fakes the funk of waiting on your man hand an foot. That shit gets old fast. If you want your man to be real with you, be real. With. Him

We all mostly want to be loved. We write songs,books and poetry about it. Much of what we read is bullshit. Love is not only saying I’m sorry. Love. Is. Meaning. It.

Love is not always sunshine and blue skies. The storms often tell us what we need to know.

I’ve always like the old saw about your good friends bailing you out of jail and your best friends being in the cel with you.

I have an unspoken yet clearly understood deal with my friends make and female. We can never be crazy at the same time. Period. If it’s your time to dance on the edge,I have to be sane enough to call you back. From. The edge.

If he’s good to his mother as a general rule, he will be good to you. Once my oldest son pretended to need something at one of those big box electronic stores. I wandered aimlessly. Something i do when I find myself in places where technology is on display. And in hardware stores.

Next thing I know I am the owner of this big-assed plasma television. We laughed when my son noticed the sales clerk had written her phone number on the sales receipt.

They learned early in life how much pleasure can be found in acts of generosity. Over the years some women learned too late that generosity is a strength. They thought they were manipulating. This thinking always begets the end.

Brothas need to stop lying. If you are grown enough to fool around on your lady be man enough to own it. Don’t try to make your woman wrong. She didn’t fuck around. You did. Man up. No point in loosing trust and respect. No one respects a liar.

Sistahs stop hopping into bed. Take your time. If you do, your man will show you who he is. Don’t buy the line about not getting it from you and having to get it elsewhere Engage his mind. Allow him to engage yours.The body thing works out.

I never date a friend’s ex. Period. Or married men.

I’ve learned to be wary of men who want to fall in love the first fifteen minutes. They tend to be married and don’t have time for courtship. It’s a form of lock-down. I actually had to explain to one such that if I wanted to be with a man who lied and fucked around on his wife, I would still be married. One of those self evident truths.

Your secrets are safe with me. Mine had better be, You only get one time to betray my trust,male or female. We may remain friendly but we will never be friends again. Evah.

Does your man have your back? Are you on the same team?

Is he helpful? Can he fix things. My middle son can fix most anything. My oldest picks up the phone to get things fixed. My youngest falls somewhere in between, At a certain point in life a man with a tool belt is a real turn on. There is a mystic quality asserting itself through a person’s handiwork. A thing I can feel.

I suspect there are few differences between relationships, straight or gay. People are people.

I want to give a shout out to sistahs who have been victimized by brothas on the down low. Down. Low.

Personally if I’m not going to sleep with you I don’t care who you sleep with. I comforted myself knowing that if I was never to have Johnny Mathis, no other woman would either, Each of us finds peace where we can.

A few years ago, there was this man most of the women I knew were crazy about Got a call from him a year or so knowing him. He told me he thought he was in love with me. I laughed and said something along the line of I thought you liked men. He informed me that he did like men but liked women too and didn’t like the idea of being limited. I told him it was my sad duty to limit him in this instance. Less than a year later he died. From. Aids.

That is one of my issues with the Down. Low. Brotha.It is unfair to drag someone into your charade.

My good friend always suggest you find a man who genuinely likes women. Good advice. That.

Be yourself. This way you can have no doubts about who it is he loves.

Don’t test. Relationships are not quizzes.

I got proposed to recently. Used to be once a year. If I am not married again by the time I’m ninety, I’ll consider it. I will walk down the aisle while my friends sing “If You Don’t Know Me by Now”.

I didn’t even mention things about grown-ass men living with their mamas. Or the chronically chronic.

Don’t be afraid to date men who are not black. Too limiting.

Last and maybe more importantly,learn to say I love you two. I love me one. Anything else is asking too much.

Now run and tell that.

Cross Posted at http://www.criticalmassprogress.com

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Comments
6 Responses to “SistahSpeak…DWB”
  1. smartypants32 says:

    “At a certain point in life a man with a tool belt is a real turn on.”

    I must be at that point in life because that one really did have me laughing out loud!

    Here’s some advice a very wise person gave me years ago:

    If you are considering committing to someone in a relationship, find out who else they love (as in agape). Because love is not a reaction – its a capacity.

    You obviously helped your sons develop that capacity.

  2. princss6 says:

    Just what I needed after a long morning of report writing. My mind is weary and this gives me much to consider.

    I often wonder if I’m raising my son to be a good man. It is tough finding role models for him in terms of relationships…his grandfather’s theory (my father), men cheat until they can’t! Not necessarily a lesson I want to teach him.

    My soulmate’s theory (girls won’t want boys unless they want to jump their bones).

    And I see it!

    So yes, it is a fine balance. He is a cutie and has just started caring about his appearance. Sigh! Too soon, too fast.

    As for me, I learned about ten years ago that a man meets my standards or I have no interest. The first 90 days will always be the best.
    My life is too precious to sleep with just anyone and I need an emotional connection.

    The drama, the stress of a no-good man is something I do not miss and certainly will not enter into again. I’ve heard it all before and frankly it isn’t worth it.

    Have a wonderful weekend!

    • robinswing says:

      You will do fine with your son. Don’t even worry about it. The one mistake i made with mine was Ihad forgotten about manipulative, conniving sistahs. They learned soon enough. LOL

  3. dmitcha says:

    too. many. nuggets. to. quote. just got a break-up call from someone who wouldn’t accept that i wasn’t sleeping with him in and throughout the first 2 months. didn’t miss him even 30 seconds later. and isn’t something wrong when you don’t WANT/NEED/LONG to, even if you don’t actually do it? trust issues with the ones who “love” you by the third date.

    i will pick this one. “I actually had to explain to one such that if I wanted to be with a man who lied and fucked around on his wife, I would still be married.” lhm. that isn’t even my own story, and it spoke to me the strongest. that is integrity, rs. plus the tool belt, the sleeping together, oh, it is all right on time!

    ran and told it. everyone laughed. well done, madam!

    • robinswing says:

      I keep thinking that when we women start talking to each for real, some stuff will cease, I developed the technique (sure fire) of getting rid of certain men. Tell them you love them and they will leave skidmarks,especially if you say :I wanna have your babies,.LMBAO

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